So I'm going to write out my story/battle with my miscarriage and infertility.
It all started in February of 2012 with a classic case of strep throat. Sean and I had been engaged for a month and things were going smoothly. I went to the doctor with strep and he gave me a prescription for an antibiotic with strict instructions to use a backup form of birth control. The intensity in which he told me that made it seem comical to me, and afterwards I laughed and brushed it off. (Of course, not listening to his instructions).
March 20th, 2012. The day that would change my life forever. I was over a week late, and I needed to fill my Vyvanse prescription (which I take for ADD). I didn't want to fill it if I was pregnant, and I figured that it had been long enough since I was supposed to start (and at this point, I was never late!) that maybe I should take a pregnancy test.
Surprise!
April 13th, 2012. My first OB appointment. I was about 8 weeks along. They did all the blood tests, and physical tests and everything looked great! And then they took us to the ultrasound room.
Over the next month, I battled with some seriously bad nausea and cravings. If I wasn't puking, I was wanting some weird food combination. Everything seemed to be going very well. At 10 weeks, I finally told Famous Dave's.
I remember Mothers Day very well. It was May 13, 2012 and I remember waking up feeling like something wasn't exactly right. It was a Sunday and my next appointment was the next day. I was almost 13 weeks along and I convinced myself that it was going to be fine. Nothing was wrong with our baby. It was a long day, filled with "next year, I will really be a mother" and all those thoughts.
May 14th, 2012. Quite possibly the worst day of my life thus far. We went to the doctors appointment and we had to wait to see the doctor exceptionally long that day. When she came in, I explained how I felt as though something was wrong and why. She assured me that what I was feeling was completely natural and there was no reason to worry. She pulled out the heartbeat listening device (I don't know what its called) and then we waited. She searched everywhere. We couldn't find it. She told me that sometimes you can't always hear it and that we were going to do an ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay with the baby. I knew it wasn't. I could tell that she was trying to make me believe it was all okay and she seemed so calm, so "oh this happens all the time". But I could just feel it.
We went into the ultrasound room and she pulled up the monitor, and it didn't light up like it had the time before. She had to search around for a bit and then she found it. Our baby, now with a formed head, shoulders, and a body... and no heartbeat. It was devastating.
She had wanted me to wait and miscarry naturally, and said it would happen sometime in the next 2 weeks. Well, my wedding was only 10 days away. I was NOT going to let it ruin that! So, on May 18th, we went to the hospital for my D&C.
After that, we were both pretty heartbroken. We weren't really ready to try again, and needed some time. I went back on birth control, and on Thanksgiving Day 2012, just 2 days after my would have been due date, we decided it was time, and stopped birth control. We weren't going to "try"... we were just going to let God decide when it was time and not worry about it.
We had just found out that our housing situation was not going to change anytime soon (we had been planning to buy a house in February once Sean's name was off of his old house). We were going to be stuck in our apartment for at least another year while some issues with his old house were worked out. We didn't let that get in the way of trying to grow our family, but the stress of court and everything else was certainly there. In January, after waiting 6 weeks, I finally had a period. It was small, and very short, but I had been worried up til then so it was a relief to see it. That was the last time I have had a period on my own.
April 2013, I went to the doctor, as it had been 3 months since my last period. She had me tested for all the different hormonal problems, all of which came back normal. She gave me some progesterone to start a period (which worked), and then told me to come back in 3 months if I was still having these issues, and we would look for PCOS. She also informed me that she would not start treating for it until I had been trying to have a baby for a year. That frustrated me, because clearly something was not right. I had been regular, without fail, since I was 18 years old. Birth control or not. It didn't affect it at all. And here I was, almost 27 years old, post miscarriage, and my body was doing nothing.
My sister in law told me about her OB/GYN, and I made an appointment with him. She said he was great and I can tell you... BEST DOCTOR EVER! It took me forever just to get in to see him, and finally in August, I was able to. I had gone another 4 months without a period, and he decided to do some testing. He put me on progesterone again and scheduled me for an ultrasound as well as a hysteroscopy, both for the same day, because he wanted to "go in" and see if I had some scar tissue from my D&C that was causing things to not work. I went in for my ultrasound and they saw what they thought was a follicle that could "ovulate" at any moment. I hadn't quite finished my 10 days of progesterone, so he told me to stay on it for 30 days, take a pregnancy test, and to reschedule the hysteroscopy if I either started a period while on progesterone or the pregnancy test was negative. Well, I started while on the progesterone so a week or so later, I came in for the hysteroscopy.
Everything looked good. Very normal. He did find a small polyp that he removed, but otherwise there was no scar tissue, and everything looked perfectly normal. He told me that he wanted to give my uterus some time to heal from the polyp removal, and to make an appointment in 3 months if nothing had "worked itself out", and we would start clomid. He was sure that was the problem however, and was certain the next time he saw me, I would be pregnant.
3 months later, December, and still nothing. No period... nothing. I timed things so that I could start clomid almost immediately following the appointment. I had taken the progesterone a month prior which worked to start a period and then had a 21 day progesterone test so that would be done before the appointment. (Anything above a 5 indicates ovulation, and anything above a 10 means that you ovulated well. My test came back 0.21. I was not at all surprised. Obviously I wasn't ovulating.) I started progesterone again, in order to time it so as soon as I had that clomid prescription in hand, I could start it just a couple days later. I was so excited to leave that office with my prescription! I had just taken my last progesterone pill that morning, and only had to wait for my period to start.
5 days later, I had a tiny little bit of spotting and then it stopped. Nothing happened. I was supposed to start Clomid (50 mg) on day 3 of my cycle, and so 5 days after the spotting, I called my doctor, concerned because nothing really happened. They told me to consider the spotting as day 1 and to proceed as planned, with another 21 day progesterone test. I was already 2 days behind schedule, but started the clomid anyways. I went in on day 21... and my test came back 0.24. Nothing. So once again, I started the progesterone and they upped my Clomid prescription to 100MG. I took the progesterone for the recommended amount of time. Two weeks after having stopped progesterone, and no period later, this time not even spotting, I called the doctor. They then prescribed 30 days of Estrogen followed by 10 days of progesterone, and then the Clomid.
I think I had a small nervous breakdown in the bathroom at work that day. I was pleading with God telling him that something had to give. I could not keep living like this... not knowing what the future was going to be even a month from then. About an hour later, I received a text message from my husband informing me that we were moving into his old house. This was about a month sooner than we had expected to hear anything about the house. At least in one aspect of life, something gave.
The next 40 days (estrogen/progesterone filled days) went by quickly. We had to move in a matter of 10 days, and then we had to immediately replace the carpet, which meant painting all of the walls in a matter of 2 weeks. It took all of our focus and for me, it was a welcome break from the never ending battle. I was still on hormones (awful stuff!) but at least I was occupied.
This time, it worked! (The estrogen/progesterone that is.) I started right on time, and was able to start my Clomid on day 3 as planned. I was charting my temperatures and right on time, I had what appeared to be a temperature spike... enough to think I had actually ovulated this time. Once again, I had to go in and have a 21 day progesterone test and then I waited the excruciating several days for the results and guess what? 0.74. Again, nothing. Clomid did nothing. So they have switched me to Femara, which has some success in women who are Clomid resistant. I have just finished my first round of Femara and I am waiting until day 21 to go in for my blood tests.
My dad was able to give me a blessing recently which has help calm some extreme fear. I know that it is meant to happen, but it is so difficult to maintain positivity when I am let down so much every time. I still have no answers, aside from the diagnosis that I don't ovulate but I do not have PCOS. (At least not enough symptoms to diagnosis it that way.) Its hard because I got pregnant so easily the first time (and yes, I have since tried using the same antibiotic as the first time lol) and since my miscarriage, I just don't work. I have no answers as to why. I just know what's been ruled out and even that isn't very clear. I know I struggle with low thyroid, but I am medicated for it and every time that gets tested, it comes back normal.
So I just wanted to write this all down. I felt like maybe if I got it out of my head and written down, maybe I could let some of the pressure go. I am sure stress has a lot to do with this, so anything I can do to help relieve some of it is a good thing. It's almost been two years since I lost my baby and nothing has felt the same since. I really just want to feel normal again. But I am grateful to my family... my parents... especially my mom. The many times I have called and just vented and cried and she always just has faith that it will happen, which is good when my faith is not as convinced. And my husband who is without a doubt the greatest person I know. He is so good with me even when I am a wreck from all the different hormonal treatments I am on. I know that our children who are waiting to come are going to be so special and I couldn't have asked for a better person to raise them with than my Sean.
